How to (temporarily) Tank Life:

A guide for the lazy, lonely guy

Giving up on your life, happiness and goals can be a great way to make life long friends and even get laid. It’s a subterfuge that might take over your whole life, but in the end can make people feel bad and give you things. It's a fair trade when you think about it. Before somebody says: “How disgusting! It’s an easy way out of responsibility and culpability!” let me tell you that it may be deplorable, it may be shameless, and it may be degrading, but there’s noting easy about it. Ennui and apathy can be hard work. Really letting yourself go isn’t a sweet ride to the hamlets of sloth and gluttony that people make it out to be. It is a grueling and arduous task that can take weeks or even months. To really flush your life down the drain without any permanent side effects you need to put time and money into acting the part while still maintaining an audience to feel sorry for you. What good is being a mess if there’s nobody to give you any sympathy? Rock bottom can be a tough place to find when you need spectators and want to avoid staying there permanently. Keep in mind that you are trying to get attention by deception and you want to leave yourself some outs after this goal is accomplished. Now where should you begin on this journey to the gutter? With the details.

The easiest thing to do is grow a beard. Not any stylish facial hair like some well maintained goatee, you need to look more rugged. The unwashed face covered in little black ants look. Just let it go crazy for a few days and see which way the wind blows it across your cheeks and upper lip. Think mountain man meets dumpster diver.

Clothes are another important aspect of the broken man image. Try sleeping in an outfit you plan to wear the next day or wear a shirt that is 2 sizes too large and covered in old food. Wrinkles, stains, rips and holes are your allies in the battle of “not giving a shit”. And don’t use too many bright colors. Lots of earth tones and black can really give the impression that you should be kept away from sharp objects. It’s important to keep somewhat with the style you are known for. Drastically altering your appearance overnight might make your viewers skeptical thus limiting any sympathy you might receive. Just change what you need to so that even the causal observer can glance at you and think “I hope he’s alright!”

Remember, you are trying to make sure people care about what you look like while giving the impression you don’t care what people think about what you look like. It’s a tightrope walk.

Start to drink heavily. If you already do, start doing it publicly. And make sure people don’t mistake you for the happy drunk. You want it to be clear that you’re drinking to make the pain go away and are trying to find solace at the bottom of a bottle. Try getting people to buy you drinks and then toast to “A better life.” Careful not to be too obnoxious during this phase or you will push away anyone who would want to help you, but be as obvious as possible. Some of your more shallow friends might even get off on the fact that they were able to stick by a buddy with a drinking problem. Pricks. Make sure not to give them any credit when you start to turn it around.

When the drinking, attire and hygiene are in order, it’s time to quit your job. If you happen to like your job (unlikely) or if it is a financial or social impossibility, then I guess you could manage by getting up late (or not at all) and showing a marked decrease in productivity, but in reality these are just half measures. You need to commit to a complete lack of employment to truly get the point across that you are in trouble and are becoming despondent. This may make it difficult to get a real girlfriend (most women don’t want to get into a committed relationship with a penniless loser), but by playing a heavy handed “my life is spiraling out of control” card, you could be rolling in the sympathy booty. You’d be surprised how well the “if I just had something good to keep me going” line works with the moderately drunk girls with low self-esteem. Hell, they might even make you a “pet project.” That’s like striking gold in a brothel.

Once all these factors are in place, you can begin living your life as a pity sponge. Feel free to mooch money, meals, booze, lodging and emotional support (sex) off your friends and acquaintances. This is a process more than a goal. The deeper you seem to sink, the easier it will be to live like a parasite and have people be glad to offer themselves as hosts.

Now how long can/should you keep this up? That all depends on your situation. I have seen guys stay in this zone indefinitely. They shuffle through life looking all depressed and getting zero flack for it. In reality they are sneakily happy and love the existence they have orchestrated for themselves. No worries, no responsibility, no accountability. They are just sorry sacks that expect everyone to feel bad for them and give them stuff. If this act works 25% of the time, then they would see it as a win.

Mostly this lifestyle should be a temporary placement for the stressed, bored or lonely. Get out there and find people to give you sympathy, pity and take care of you. Once you’ve had your fill of that type of attention, start to regain some of your shame and turn your life around gradually. If you’ve been busy keeping friends and making new ones it should be easy with all the support you are going to get. They might even start to respect you as you raise your quality of life back to a normal standard.

Take their compliments in stride, stay visibly stoic and depressed and try not to laugh as you crawl your way back from a self imposed rock bottom vacation.